"Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
~Hebrews 12:9-11
The past few months have been about constant self-revelation, acknowledgment and exposure of the sin in my life, the idols that rule my heart and the objects that I value more than my God. It is painful. I mean, make you physically ill, cry your eyes out, gut-wrenchingly painful. And over and over again I have said, "My dear God, does this have to hurt?" And over and over again He says, "Yes."
Why is that? I don't really know. But when I think about the weight of my own sin, the depths of it and how disgusting it can really be, the things that I choose over Love, who am I to question whether or not it should hurt? I deserve a lot worse than fleeting emotional pain. Yet, I sit for months recognizing the depravity of my own heart and then have the nerve to look at the sky and say, "Does this have to hurt."
Wow.
His response to me should be far more than just, "Yes." And some days I can imagine Him just holding His tongue...but even that I know isn't truth. He is constantly seeking to just wash me in grace and when I ask those questions He hears me as a father hears a small child, a blissfully ignorant, naive child who has yet to even begin understanding the world around her. But with the completion of each moment of discipline, despite any temper tantrums I throw, I get closer to the peaceful fruit of righteousness. He has begun a work in me that I couldn't stop now if I wanted to...and He will be faithful to complete it. And for that, I could never be more grateful.
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