It's been way too long since I last wrote an actual post. And there's a reason for that.

I've been busy.

Probably too busy. See, it's been the kind of busy where I feel like I'm barely keeping in step with life. Where if I slow down, even for a second, I'm going to fall behind. The kind of busy that makes me feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above water. The kind of busy that makes me run around all day like a chicken with my head cut off but look back on it at the end of the day and can't seem to figure out what got accomplished.

...The kind of busy that causes me to only open my Bible on Sunday mornings because I was able to fit going to church into my schedule. The kind of busy that leaves me waiting to find time to pray. The kind of busy that unintentionally pushes God away and says, "I can do this on my own."

The kind of busy I'm not particularly proud of.

It's interesting because through all of this I do believe I've been doing what God was calling me to do, I've just frequently been doing it without Him and today I received an incredibly grace-filled and gentle reminder that there's just no need for that. A reminder that as my life speeds up, I should be seeking Him more, not less.

One of the things that has kept me busy, although admittedly it was only my own inability to focus that caused it to keep me busy, was a project I needed to complete for the student ministry for this morning. I spent the better part of the week fretting about it, stressing about the fact that it wasn't what the leadership was looking for, that my small group co-leader wouldn't like it and most of all that my girls wouldn't respond to it. I had prayed in a moment of panic that God would provide me with an idea for what it should look like and within minutes He provided not only the idea but many of the resources. And right then is when all of my anxiety should have subsided, but I kept right on worrying, even after it was long finished and just waiting to be used.

This morning as I was getting the lighting ready for the student worship service an amazing new friend Chloe, whose maturity far surpasses being the senior in high school that she is, came to say hi. We chatted for a bit and I jokingly shared my concern that the display I had put together wasn't good enough and wasn't what they were hoping for. I told her I hadn't found enough time to make it look the way I wanted it to and that I was still a little stressed about it.

And I was incredibly blessed by her response...

She said the typical, "Oh I'm sure it's fine! Don't worry about it." And then said..."And no matter what it looks like, God will make it amazing in the eyes of those who need to see it."

And she then continued on with her normal encouragement but I don't know what she said because my head was spinning from this gentle reminder from God that all this time I've been running around trying to serve Him by giving all of myself when the fact of the matter is that all of me is not enough for anyone. Others don't need me, they need Him and I can run myself all the way down offering all that I have to those that I love, but it's just never going to be enough. I was reminded that God is made great in my weakness but I have to let myself be weak in order for Him to be great.

And you know the thing that still amazes me, after all these years of believing is that when I tried to take on life on my own this week, God could have just let me fall on my face. I certainly deserved to. But He didn't. He stayed right behind me the whole time and when I slowed down long enough to listen, He said, "I'm still here."

I have a lot of big changes coming up. Exciting and fun changes, but change nonetheless. It's my prayer that I won't get too far ahead of myself this time around. That I'll dust myself off and start over, this time walking beside, not in front someone far greater than myself.