I recently read Genesis 22, the story of Abraham taking his son Isaac to be sacrificed. For some reason, this story really got to me and a number of things hit me. Obviously, Abraham's faithfulness is almost unbelievable. Lots of people have to suffer through the death of a child. But no one has to have so much strength and faith as to carry that out themselves. Add to that the questions Isaac may have asked as they climbed the mountain, the fear in his eyes as he was laid down on the altar and the judgment and criticism that would be facing Abraham when he came back down the mountain. How did he remain obedient with the thought of all that? Did he even look at Isaac as they walked...or could he not stop looking at him? Was he scared to death...or was he overwhelmed with peace as a blessing for his obedience. Did he ever stop walking or turn back...or was he so strong in his desire to please the Lord that he moved quickly?
God did clearly ask Abraham to do what he was on his way to do. Genesis 22:2 says, "He (God) said, 'Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you." This was a very clear instruction from the Lord, who acknowledged in that moment how much Abraham loved his only son. But Abraham clearly had an understanding that children belong to the Lord. They are a gift for a time, but ultimately still belong to Him. Confusing as the request may have been, and without any explanation, he headed up the mountain.
But here's where this story catches me. God stopped him. Abraham went to do just as he was clearly told and God stopped him. An angel appeared to Abraham just as he raised his arm, knife in hand, and urgently told him to stop what he was doing. It was a blatant, clear encounter. Abraham didn't have to question or wonder if he was just having an internal emotional struggle or some major discernment issues. God just stopped him.
After that, we find out that what God was calling Abraham to was simply a test of faith. It served no other purpose. It was a test to see what lengths Abraham would go to remain obedient.
I'll just be honest...I usually need more purpose than that. I need some greater outcome than to simply prove to God that I will remain faithful to His call. And maybe it's that I need a more blatant confirmation that God is pleased with what I've done if things didn't turn out the way I had anticipated. Because here's the thing, when God asks me to do something, and I am confident about that, I can be extremely single-minded in my pursuit of that. I will go great lengths to stay on that path which can land my heart in a place of legalism and self-righteousness, a place I don't need to be. If He turns my feet another direction mid-journey, a lot of things can happen. I end up not trusting the original call, convinced that I didn't do something right the first time. I end up ignoring His call to turn a different direction. I get stuck in frustration with Him, saying, "You told me to do this and that's what I'm going to do," but when it gets to that point it's because I have something to prove, either to myself, or to the people around me, or to Him.
But what would happen if I learned to gracefully follow His leading with every twist and every turn, every moment seeking direction. What if I were like Abraham and allowed myself to be stopped sometimes. What if I didn't care what anyone else said or thought, and was willing to say that simply to prove my obedience is worth it. So often I set out on the path that God puts me on and the expectation of my destination is shattered. So often I end up worrying that I think God is calling me to something, but He's not really. I'm just confused.
But here's the thing. If I head out in some direction, whether God tells me to or not, and He needs me to go a different direction, He will stop me. In big ways if need be. I don't have to rely on myself to figure that out, just like Abraham didn't have to rely on himself. He will put His mighty foot down and keep me from going any further.
And when I do hear His call my job is to go, knowing that my destination is in His hands and it may not look like what I think it does. And when those expectations fall apart, I will shift paths, regardless of how I feel or how I perceive others feel, because I can be confident the Holy Spirit inside of me.
This will be my prayer for a time. That I will stop merely seeking the call for a destination but that just for awhile, I won't look any further ahead than as far as my next footstep will take me.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Finally catching up...
Yep. I've got a lot of catching up to do. But I don't know how I'd actually do that. I will say this. I haven't blogged in forever because my blogging time is at work and for the past month and a half, work has kept me BUSY. Like, REAL busy. But happily busy. I've reentered the land of directing children's theatre and no matter how stressful it can be, it is still one of the happiest things in the world to me. One of the coolest things for me has been to think about how I've grown as a person by thinking about the differences in how I direct now. I think the greatest thing that 7 years has taught me since I last directed a show is this...let yourself laugh when it's funny.
There's a moment from the past that I've never forgotten and to this day remains one of my all time favorite memories in life. I was directing "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" for Summer Theatre Workshop. We had an extremely talented group of kids, an awesome set, precious costumes and a pretty darn good show on our hands. But for some reason we hit a point of unbelievable stress. We were exhausted and frustrated and generally hopeless. I honestly have no idea how we got there. I really don't. I went home in tears many days and didn't handle the kids the way I should have during rehearsals.
As opening night moved painfully close I would sit and watch rehearsals and see nothing but mistakes and things that weren't done. During one of our dress rehearsals, I think it was the Wednesday before our show opened on Friday, I sat in the front row and was just toast. I had scolded the kids over and over again about silly things, but especially about coming down into the audience rather than staying backstage. I constantly told them that the audience cannot at any point see you in costume, especially not during the show. I couldn't figure out why they didn't seem to understand that. I was honestly convinced the show was falling apart before our eyes. My dear friend and costumer Mrs. Schrader plopped down next to me. Her daughter Jordan was playing Sally Brown and to this day remains in my mind one of the riskiest, yet smartest, casting decisions I'd ever made. It was a huge part for a tiny little person. But Jordan was Sally in real life. If she didn't learn her lines, but could respond as Jordan would, we'd still be okay.
As Mrs. Schrader and I sat watching the show, mistake after mistake, I neared tears. All of a sudden, Jordan runs down from backstage into the audience in her little pink polka dot dress, bouncy curls, and mary jane shoes. Just as she flew by me, I snapped. I said, "Jordan what on EARTH are you doing. How many times have I told you that you CANNOT come into the audience during the show!?" (Yes, I had total disregard for the fact that her mom was sitting next to me.) She stopped, turned around, said, "I forgot my jump rope on the other side of the stage," giggled in her little Jordan way, turned around and kept running to the other side.
And then I laughed so hard I cried.
I don't know why that broke me. But that was my first lesson in laughing when it's funny. Because it was. She totally didn't care that I was frustrated. Totally didn't care that she was doing something "wrong." She was a sweet little girl who had never been on stage before and was learning. I think she was actually proud of herself for realizing that she forgot her jump rope before she actually needed it rather than the moment she was supposed to enter with it. She thought she was doing a good thing. And really, she was.
On opening night, I had a little bear that I kept around for good luck. I named it the Jordan bear because she loved it. Just as the cast was circling up backstage to pray, Jordan said, "Oh no! I left the bear out in the audience. I need to give it a hug!" Rather than going to get it myself, I looked at my little Sally who was fully in costume and said, "Go get it. Quick." And she took off in her pink dress and bouncy curls.
That was a summer of learning for me and I've noticed this summer that there are so many days when I don't have time to laugh, but I do it anyway. I'm learning to take time for those moments. I was reminded of it the other day when the kids were off the wall and having fits of uncontrollable laughter. Just as I had gotten them focused again and back into the scene, the scarecrow said one of her lines in some goofy voice, and all the kids started cracking up again. I felt the frustration boiling and I said, "Carina...come on," she looked at me and said, "Miss Jen. My line is funny. And laughter is contagious ya know," and then fell on the floor laughing.
And I laughed too. Because she's absolutely right.
Now when things are funny, I just let them laugh. And more importantly, I let myself laugh.
There's a moment from the past that I've never forgotten and to this day remains one of my all time favorite memories in life. I was directing "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" for Summer Theatre Workshop. We had an extremely talented group of kids, an awesome set, precious costumes and a pretty darn good show on our hands. But for some reason we hit a point of unbelievable stress. We were exhausted and frustrated and generally hopeless. I honestly have no idea how we got there. I really don't. I went home in tears many days and didn't handle the kids the way I should have during rehearsals.
As opening night moved painfully close I would sit and watch rehearsals and see nothing but mistakes and things that weren't done. During one of our dress rehearsals, I think it was the Wednesday before our show opened on Friday, I sat in the front row and was just toast. I had scolded the kids over and over again about silly things, but especially about coming down into the audience rather than staying backstage. I constantly told them that the audience cannot at any point see you in costume, especially not during the show. I couldn't figure out why they didn't seem to understand that. I was honestly convinced the show was falling apart before our eyes. My dear friend and costumer Mrs. Schrader plopped down next to me. Her daughter Jordan was playing Sally Brown and to this day remains in my mind one of the riskiest, yet smartest, casting decisions I'd ever made. It was a huge part for a tiny little person. But Jordan was Sally in real life. If she didn't learn her lines, but could respond as Jordan would, we'd still be okay.
As Mrs. Schrader and I sat watching the show, mistake after mistake, I neared tears. All of a sudden, Jordan runs down from backstage into the audience in her little pink polka dot dress, bouncy curls, and mary jane shoes. Just as she flew by me, I snapped. I said, "Jordan what on EARTH are you doing. How many times have I told you that you CANNOT come into the audience during the show!?" (Yes, I had total disregard for the fact that her mom was sitting next to me.) She stopped, turned around, said, "I forgot my jump rope on the other side of the stage," giggled in her little Jordan way, turned around and kept running to the other side.
And then I laughed so hard I cried.
I don't know why that broke me. But that was my first lesson in laughing when it's funny. Because it was. She totally didn't care that I was frustrated. Totally didn't care that she was doing something "wrong." She was a sweet little girl who had never been on stage before and was learning. I think she was actually proud of herself for realizing that she forgot her jump rope before she actually needed it rather than the moment she was supposed to enter with it. She thought she was doing a good thing. And really, she was.
On opening night, I had a little bear that I kept around for good luck. I named it the Jordan bear because she loved it. Just as the cast was circling up backstage to pray, Jordan said, "Oh no! I left the bear out in the audience. I need to give it a hug!" Rather than going to get it myself, I looked at my little Sally who was fully in costume and said, "Go get it. Quick." And she took off in her pink dress and bouncy curls.
That was a summer of learning for me and I've noticed this summer that there are so many days when I don't have time to laugh, but I do it anyway. I'm learning to take time for those moments. I was reminded of it the other day when the kids were off the wall and having fits of uncontrollable laughter. Just as I had gotten them focused again and back into the scene, the scarecrow said one of her lines in some goofy voice, and all the kids started cracking up again. I felt the frustration boiling and I said, "Carina...come on," she looked at me and said, "Miss Jen. My line is funny. And laughter is contagious ya know," and then fell on the floor laughing.
And I laughed too. Because she's absolutely right.
Now when things are funny, I just let them laugh. And more importantly, I let myself laugh.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Happy 70th Birthday Grammy!
Happy 70th to one of the most important people in my life...
I couldn't begin to list all the things you've taught me, all the places you've taken me, all the things you've shown me or more importantly all the ways that you've loved me.
I wish I could celebrate with you today.
I miss you and I love you and I couldn't be more thankful for your 70 years of life.
Happy Birthday to my beautiful grandmother.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Monday's Fabulous Moment
Besides the fact that I have tried to make a commitment to start getting out of bed an hour earlier than normal to spend time with God and this morning my body just woke up at 6:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. That never happens. That was all Him and it was awesome.
So aside from that, here's Monday's other Fabulous Moment. And I hope like heck the person who inspired this moment reads this...
Today one of my coworkers who works at our front desk asked me to come take her place while she went to lunch. At exactly 1:00 I went up there, just like she asked me to. She said she was going to run to the restroom and then she'd leave. At 1:14 p.m. I received a text message that said this:
"FYI, I have not left yet. I am discharging waste."
Yes...really.
After showing the other two people who were hanging out at the front desk with me I responded. "I don't get paid enough to put up with you."
About a minute later my phone went beeped once again and I opened it up to this:
"Yea u do...Jesus saves!"
So aside from that, here's Monday's other Fabulous Moment. And I hope like heck the person who inspired this moment reads this...
Today one of my coworkers who works at our front desk asked me to come take her place while she went to lunch. At exactly 1:00 I went up there, just like she asked me to. She said she was going to run to the restroom and then she'd leave. At 1:14 p.m. I received a text message that said this:
"FYI, I have not left yet. I am discharging waste."
Yes...really.
After showing the other two people who were hanging out at the front desk with me I responded. "I don't get paid enough to put up with you."
About a minute later my phone went beeped once again and I opened it up to this:
"Yea u do...Jesus saves!"
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tough economic times lead to...
boredom.
Which leads to...
creativity.
A dear sweet friend of mine shared this website with me yesterday.
www.runpee.com
I'm tempted to let you go check it out and find out for yourselves, but I'll just go ahead and give you the run down. The slogan is "Helping your bladder enjoy going to the movies as much as you do."
Basically it reviews all current movies and gives you the best times, to the minute, to go to the bathroom and how long you have to be gone. It says things like, "Multiple pee times available."
Seriously.
Which leads to...
creativity.
A dear sweet friend of mine shared this website with me yesterday.
www.runpee.com
I'm tempted to let you go check it out and find out for yourselves, but I'll just go ahead and give you the run down. The slogan is "Helping your bladder enjoy going to the movies as much as you do."
Basically it reviews all current movies and gives you the best times, to the minute, to go to the bathroom and how long you have to be gone. It says things like, "Multiple pee times available."
Seriously.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Joel 2:12-13
12 But there's also this, it's not too late—
God's personal Message!—
"Come back to me and really mean it!
Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!"
13-14Change your life, not just your clothes.
Come back to God, your God.
And here's why: God is kind and merciful.
He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot,
This most patient God, extravagant in love,
always ready to cancel catastrophe.
Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now,
maybe he'll turn around and show pity.
Maybe, when all's said and done,
there'll be blessings full and robust for your God!
The Message
God's personal Message!—
"Come back to me and really mean it!
Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!"
13-14Change your life, not just your clothes.
Come back to God, your God.
And here's why: God is kind and merciful.
He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot,
This most patient God, extravagant in love,
always ready to cancel catastrophe.
Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now,
maybe he'll turn around and show pity.
Maybe, when all's said and done,
there'll be blessings full and robust for your God!
The Message
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