Blast from the Past

I just found this. I wrote it almost exactly two years ago. In so many ways I've changed, grown. And in so many ways I'm in the exact same place.

March 26, 2007

Lately my days have been checkered with 80 degree weather, a cool breeze, new patio furniture, good coffee, melancholy music, flip flops, and 2 new Bibles that I dove into headfirst with the intent of finding answers and encouragement for the days ahead. Maybe it's the vitamin D, maybe the excessive caffeine intake, maybe the new playlists I've created on my iPod, but I have been feeling really hopeful the past few days. Not in a way that I'm any less scared, or any less sad to leave those I love and care about, but in a way that I feel like I'm sensing the bigger picture of how things can and will turn out.

I decided that now was a good time to get into the book of Job, a book that is incredibly devasting and overwhelmingly inspirational at the same time. I thought it was a book that I should read at a time in life when things seem to be going very well, when Job's suffering and circumstances would enlighten rather than dishearten me. I am far from disheartened and in reading it I have found much more enlightenment than I had anticipated.

Job was an incredible man of incredible faith and God put him to the test. God allowed Satan to shake the foundations of Job's faith in indescribable ways. Job's animals, workers and children were killed. He was struck with horrible sores and ulcers. He was so miserable and grief stricken that he cried out to God, mourning the day he was ever born. He questioned God and demanded answers.

"Why didn't I die at birth,
my first breath out of the womb my last?...

What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense,
when God blocks all the roads to meaning?"

In reading all of this, I remembered a time when I was very young in my faith. I wasn't raised in a church. When I started going, I remained respectful, but I was unconventional. I had no sense of tradition. I spoke about God as if He were my best friend. When I was upset with Him, I said it aloud, to the dismay of many older Christians. I clapped my hands loudly during worship. When I prayed I started out, "Hey God, how's your day been?" Over time, as I immersed myself more in the church setting, I came to believe that my faith was uncontrolled, immature. Comments were made. My excitement about going to church was railroaded when someone told me that the only reason I liked church was because I hadn't been going since I was a baby. I felt small, insignificant, and sorry that I must be an embarrassment to the God that I adored. So for a time, I learned how to shape up. And in that time, I lost my adoration for the God who loved me as I was and had created me in all my wonderful childishness. I began to take Him and my faith for granted the way so many others had. And I lost track of Him for a number of years. But I never stopped missing Him and the real relationship I had with Him.

In reading Job, I have found that God I lost so many years ago. The God who understands and often allows my suffering so that I may become a more trusting and faithful servant. I found the God who chuckled when my small self said, "Hey God, what's up?" I found the God, the father figure, who is sympathetic to my despair and forgiving when I cry out to Him for help and answers. Job fought with God, but He didn't turn his back on Him. And God responded accordingly, never dismissing Job as merely immature and faithless, but explaining to him,

"Do you know where Light comes from
and where Darkness lives
So you can take them by the hand
and lead them home when they get lost..."

He reminded Job that He is in total control. But He did not punish Job for questioning his circumstances, as so many children do. He did not cast Job out for grieving and despairing. To the contrary, he restored Job's blessings and then doubled them.

Reading Job has not only reminded me of the times that caused the change in my young heart, but has also made me yearn to get back to my unceremonious faith. I don't know that I ever completely can. The world has taken its toll on me and my circumstances have aged me, but I will do what I can to see God the way I did when I first found Him. As a father, a teacher, and a friend. My best friend.